Last night I was waiting to meet up with my friend for some drinks in a bar we both like.
I sat in the middle of this plaza that is a very open area with restaurants and shops surrounding it.
I sat on the steps just watching the world around me.
I saw a mother pushing her baby in a stroller while her older child was riding a scooter. He was going through the crowd like they were a maze.
I then looked to my right and I see an older couple cuddling and smiling wearing matching wedding bands.
I hear laughter and behind me are young teenagers in their group flirting and joking with one another.
I looked across and I see a nervous looking man who couldn't be much older than my 19-year old self checking his watch and looking for someone. Then a beautiful woman greets him and they have a meal together. I think to myself that maybe it's something like a first date for them and would explain his nervous smile when he looks at his date.
Running by their table two young toddlers catch my eyes at how much they are laughing and giggling speaking their gibberish.
I see many others on their way to whatever plans they may have for the night and can't help but to feel so small but in a good way.
You see, I come from a town where my last name is pretty well-known since the town is small and I am the third generation to go through the local school district. I have a job at a popular ice cream stand where I know almost everyone who comes to get their sweet treats. I go to the mall in the city knowing there's a good chance someone I know will see me. I'm known in my hometown for wanting to be a future teacher and passionate about the sport of lacrosse. I have two close groups of friends one that I graduated with and one that is a bit older. They are both wonderful groups I am so lucky to have.
In my college three hours away from my hometown, I am seen as a student in the education and Spanish departments. I am also seen as one of the younger members of the lacrosse team that is trying to work her way up to playing more. I am an employee for a wonderful program named LifePrep where I have the honor to work with students with disabilities. My college is small so I'm bound to see someone I know on campus and in the nearby town. I have my friends at work, my lacrosse team, and a few closer friendships that I spend the most time with.
I have only dated people that lived close to me. Over the course of almost four years I have been in a relationship with a few different people. I don't regret any second of it, but I am grateful to be single at this part of my life.
My hometown, my college, relationships, and friendships have showed me how much people may expect or label me as. They aren't wrong and I do have quite a few responsibilities such as being a teammate, a mentor, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a student and a girlfriend. It's not like they are jobs, they are a part of my life.
However in Spain, I am nothing. I am no one.
I am just this blonde girl who is just sitting on the steps watching the world go on.
And I love it.
I do have an internship and classes that I have to attend but I also have so much freedom to do what I want. If I want to take a walk in the park, I do. If I want to go shopping, I go. If I want to sit on this step in the coolness of the night, I can.
I don't have this schedule to do so many things and be so many things. Pretty much the only people I still talk to in the US is my family and my best friend, Hope. With connection it can be tricky but it's nothing that we stress about or make super time specific. It's just when we can. I just really only have to worry about me and not many other people. It sounds a little selfish and don't get me wrong I am one to do anything for anyone of my friends. It's just a nice relaxing feeling when you aren't worried about impressing others or have the pressure of doing so many things with so many people watching you.
My main point for all the deep thoughts above is that if you ever get the chance to live somewhere else like studying abroad, do it.
It's scary as hell at first but then you see the beauty of having to be no one. You'll realize your priorities and you'll see that all the things you stressed about back at home were silly.
I drove myself crazy during lacrosse season last year with being new and needing to improve a lot but now I realized how I still love my sport and want to work hard, but if I don't see much of the field throughout my college career, who cares?
If I can't get an "A" in every one of my classes to make that Dean's list, oh well.
If I can't always make every single person happy or like me based on the things I want, who gives a shit.
Because none of those things will matter when I start my career. I still will try my damnest to succeed in lacrosse, in school, and being a good person to everyone.
What will matter are the things I have seen, the people I have met, and the challenges I have faced.
I think I have focused on myself a lot here, which isn't something I have ever done. Being abroad has showed me how truly beautiful I am and all the things I am capable of. I look at photos of me and see how much brighter my smile and eyes are from my younger teenage years to my time in Spain.
I have regained this confidence that was lost when I decided subconsciously that impressing others in high school was more important. By no means was I depressed or unhappy before Spain...just a little lost.
There are so many of my thoughts I have tried to write here. The beauty of all this is that I didn't write this long observation for the world to see, but mostly for myself to see and to maybe inspire a few others. Maybe a year from now if I feel lost again I can read this and inspire myself.
I am so excited to go home and back to my college to see everyone I have missed.
I can't wait to play with my lacrosse stick and see my co-workers.
It's impossible for anyone just to be no one forever and isn't healthy.
But to be no one for a few months is arguably one of the best things to happen to me.
When I come home, the only person I want to be is a wonderful teacher, a loving friend, and most importantly someone my family and I will always be proud of.
I want to be someone that is many things but also just Nancy.
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